


HEALING THE DOCTOR’S DAMAGE

by dschram



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:19:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dschram/pseuds/dschram
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Doctor this occurs right after the events of “The God Complex” and in my mind at about the midpoint of his relationship with River. Also, includes references to “The Doctor’s Wife” and “A Good Man Goes to War” and “Let’s Kill Hitler” among others. This is a multi-chapter work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Therapy Session

CHAPTER ONE  - FIRST THERAPY SESSION:

The Doctor stood at the console, slowly turned around, then leaned against it. Apart from the background drone and assorted noises of the TARDIS, all is quiet; totally alone for the first time since his last regeneration.  “I’m just a mad man in a box, nobody’s hero,” thinking of the words he had spoken earlier to Amy to destroy her faith in him at always being able to save her. He quickly wiped at a tear that trickled down his face, and then gave a short sniffle.

Taking the stairs leading underneath the console floor, he plopped into the repair swing to be nearer the heart of the TARDIS. “Just you and me Old Girl…you and me,” he announced gently swaying. Now there is no Amy to laugh at his jokes or silly antics. No Rory to question his decisions. Not even anyone to flirt with. “If you bump into my daughter…,” he recalled Amy asking him. Then he thinks about that room, number eleven – his room, in that floating Minotaur space prison, the one that held his greatest fear. “Who else?” he recalled saying, after he had looked inside. This caused a shiver to run up his entire body. “Look after you,” Amy had told him – does he even know how?  He remembers what he becomes without companions to keep him grounded. He deeply sighs wallowing in self pity.

With the gentle rocking of the repair swing along with the soothing background hum of the TARDIS the Doctor soon found himself lulled to sleep. He is suddenly startled awake by the sound of a vortex manipulator.

“Hello Sweetie.”

“River!?” he said kind of half asleep,” what, what are you … doing here?”

“The TARDIS telepathic circuits contacted me via long range communication, she was … concerned.”

“And what was the message?” asked the Doctor with eyes averted.

“Help him …. Come now.” She plainly stated then added, “What’s wrong, where are my parents?”

“I was afraid – I almost lost her.” He admitted somewhat hesitantly still trying to avoid her gaze.

“Amy - my mother?”

“Yes,” he replied now looking at her, then proceeded to tell her all about the latest adventure and why he left them both back on Earth and gifted them with a house and car. After this explanation he looked down and said in a rather dejected manner,”Everyone who travels with me seems doomed ... sooner or later.”

“I see,” she said sizing up the situation.

“You should visit them sometime,” he added matter-of-factly.

“Yes, we should,” emphasizing the word _we_. “But first… we must repair the damages.” River had quickly assessed the TARDIS’ concerns about her Time Lord and determined a course of action.

“Damages?” he replied somewhat apprehensively, not sure where this was leading.

“Yes, self inflicted I’m afraid… Your biggest fear is yourself. In fact you don’t even like you.” He hates how she comes right to the point and spells it all out clearly, but he needed to hear it.

He took a deep breath and let out a sigh, nodding his head in agreement, “What do you propose, Dr Song?”

“Come,” she said holding out her hand to him. Taking her hand, he jumped out of the swing and followed.

“I’m all yours,” he feebly offered in an attempt to show confidence in her abilities.

“Ooh, that’s a dangerous invitation,” she said with a smile and wink. He tried to ignore her flirtatiousness; he is not in the mood for such banter.

“We’ll use your study,” she said as they approached the door.

“What are we doing?” He said somewhat uneasily, not sure where this is headed.

“Therapy.”

“What kind of therapy exactly?” sounding a little nervous.

“Psychotherapy – specifically a mind link,” she answered as she motioned for him to sit on the sofa next to her.

“Are you sure that’s wise?” He was not certain if she was up to such a monumental task. There is a thousand years worth of memories stuffed in his head.

“I‘m psychologically very strong,” she assured him. River would have to be considering what she had endured from others due to fear of him. The Silence movement being a response to said fear. [This author’s personal opinion - Religion /Belief System should be based on love not fear.]

“…But, what about spoilers?”

“Put them behind a door in your head and anything else you think is too dangerous to be revealed. I promise to respect your locked doors. You don’t have to reveal anything you don’t want… entirely your choice. I will not force anything from you.”

He thought for a short moment. “Okay.”

“Now before we begin - Do you trust me?” She asked looking into his green eyes.

With heavy hearts he remembered all the times he told her, will tell her, that he did not trust her and then replied, choosing his words carefully, “I absolutely trust you,… to the ends of the universe, but … be forewarned, you may not like what you find.”

“No danger, no fun… I may know you better than you think.” This was probably true considering their respective wibbly wobbly intersecting time lines.

“Ready?”She asked.  He nodded and gulped. “Give me your hands… Close your eyes.”  She leaned forward touching his forehead to hers, gently squeezing his hands, as she waited for him to gradually and carefully open his mind to her.

Once inside his head she noticed a being, he resembled the Doctor but judged him to be no more than about twelve years old. He looked apprehensive but with a mischievous grin. This was the silly but nervous although brilliant adolescent boy, the facade that he often was the most comfortable showing. She went towards him but he ran when he saw her. She ran after him but was not sure where he took off to. Then she noticed a door and pushed it open. Inside it was very dark, almost impossible to see, but there he was – the bitter contemptuous old man - full of self-loathing, guilt ridden and at times, arrogant. However, there was also kindness with cleverness, and helpfulness. As if it these were an attempt to cover up or balance out the negatives. She was not completely surprised considering all that he had experienced and the responsibilities he chose to bear over time.

The Doctor found River’s mind to be very comforting – full of devotion, concern and a fierce protectiveness. He was astounded that she was able to overcome her killer programming. She had in fact utilized the training they had given her and, by the choices she made, was able to turn it around. He remembered that he himself had been instrumental in this by not giving up on her in Berlin when he encouraged her to find the River Song she would become. He had not given up on her, now she refused to give up on him.

She continued to probe his innermost thoughts and doubts about the course of his life as bit by bit he opened up more of himself to her:

_“Not everything is your fault; those who travel with you do make their own choices.”_

_“Yes, but I entice them. Then I’m accused of having a God complex when I feel obligated to save them.”_

_“But you don’t just let anyone travel with you. “_

_“True, I usually do seem to know who.”_

 It felt wonderful to share this with another without feeling harshly judged. They both also realized that as they continued in their somewhat opposite time streams they would need to be very patient and forgiving with each other. The session went on for quite a while as both continued their explorations. Eventually the Doctor ceased to feel River’s mind and realized that she had drifted off from sheer mental fatigue.

He carefully picked her up, carried her to the next room, laid her on his bed and gently removed her clothing down to her bra and knickers. His eyes drank in her voluptuous curves; with near reverence he whispered…”Yowzah”. Next he stripped down to just his boxers and cautiously crawled into the bed pulling the covers over them. He snuggled next to her, wrapped his arm around her waist and was soon sound asleep.

He awoke feeling very refreshed. She was still lying next to him. The proceedings of previous day had not frightened her off. “Hello,” he said with a smile as he noticed her stirring.

“Hey,” she said as she stretched without opening her eyes yet. He pulled her close and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Hmm,” she replied. “Just give me a minute to properly come ‘round,” as she yawned. When she opened her eyes she saw him staring at her with a cheery grin on his face. She smiled back.

“Did you sleep well?” she asked looking back into his eyes.

“Marvelously”, he replied still gazing at her with his hand on her shoulder.

“I guess I fell asleep during the session, your mind is exhausting.”

“Big brain … plethora of synaptic connections,” he stated without breaking eye contact as he leaned towards her. Without any inhibitions at all he kissed her, passionately and intensely, his analyzing tongue savoring every sensation. She was intoxicating. He felt wonderfully tingly and was doing his best to hide the fact that this would be his first time in this body. He did not want her to be sad thinking this may be her last; remembering the first/last kiss incident. Then he established an empathic mind link with her to further enhance their experience. There was no deep thinking now, just sensations and pleasurable touch.

“River?”

“Yes,” she managed to say between all his kisses and caresses.

“I…I...I“[Why is it so hard from him to say it?]

“What?”

“…appreciate you.”

For a fraction of a second he noticed a tiny bit of disappointment on her face that she did her best to hide with a smile. Those apparently were not the exact words that she was hoping for. Nevertheless she continued kissing him.

It was not long before undergarments ended up on the floor. “Is this part of my therapy, too?” He inquired.

“The best part…Now, shut up, please.”

Afterwards, they both lay on the bed sweating as their breathing gradually returned to a more normal tempo. Still clinging to each other, they embraced tightly.

“Sweetie, you’re glowing!” She exclaimed as she pulled away from him slightly.

“I know,” he said as he enjoyed the warm tenderness dispersing all over his body.

“I mean actually physically glowing,” she said in amazement, “especially your face.”

“It’s the synaptic pathways healing. It was inhibited before but restorative energy was released because of you.” He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all she was doing for him.

 


	2. The Eye of Orion

CHAPTER TWO - THE EYE OF ORION:

After they showered together and dressed The Doctor suggested they go somewhere, “Nothing dangerous…no running, just someplace beautiful and relaxing.” He quickly remembered,”…Oh, how about the Eye of Orion? It’s one of the most tranquil places in the universe due to the high bombardment of positive ions.”

“Like on Earth after a thunderstorm,” stated River.

“Yes, an ideal tonic for the weary time traveler.”

“Sounds perfect, let’s make a day of it and have a picnic… We can do our second therapy session later.”

“There’s more?”

“Well you didn’t think it would only take one session did you?”

“Apparently not.”

“You’re very psychologically complex,” she said with some exasperation.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“As you wish.”

The Eye of Orion used to be a thriving holiday resort, but after the Last Great Time War was converted into a shrine. Now it was just scattered ruins covered in grass and mist. They found a level spot to lay out their picnic near the small memorial which was nameless due to the many that died. The Doctor seemed to be absorbed in his thoughts. After a few moments he said to River, “I fought in that war… At the heart of the war, millions died every second… It was hell.” There was an intense sadness in his voice.

She listened attentively while laying out the food. He truly was a warrior at one time; might be why he has such an aversion to guns she thought.

After pausing and collecting his thoughts he continued, “By the end of the war, President Rassilon was so desperate he proposed the _Ultimate Sanction_. The Time Lords would become creatures of pure consciousness; existing without time...All of creation would be destroyed…I had to stop this insanity.” She said nothing but continued to let him talk. His tone then became very heartbreaking, “I used a modified weapon, _the Moment_ , to destroy… Gallifrey.” He was nearly in tears. “…In one second.” He paused as his words caught in his throat. ”The annihilation was so profound it stretched deep into the past and far into the future. It became time-locked, sealed behind the rift in the Medusa Cascade... I can’t even go back and save my own people.” He choked out the last few words. River held him tight as he sobbed into her shoulders. Her comforting gestures along with the positive ions helped alleviate the heaviness he held in his hearts.

“I’m so…so sorry my love; I truly didn’t know all that.”

“I’ve never told anyone the whole story…particularly my involvement.”

“I’m sure if there was another way you would’ve found it.”

“There was no other choice,” he flatly stated.

“Then please… don’t feel guilty about what you had to do.”

“I still feel bad for everything I destroyed…the lives that are no more.” They continued their peaceful picnic without saying too much more, as they allowed the calming tranquility of the place to assuage them both.

Later, at River’s suggestion, they explored the ruins for a bit before returning to the TARDIS.

 “I may have to plan a dig there one day,” stated River the archeologist. The Doctor seemed lost in thought.”You’re still awfully quiet. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Hmm, yes fine.” He said in a slightly not-okay way.”When do we begin our second session?”

“Whenever you’re ready.”


	3. Session with the TARDIS

Chapter Three - Session with the TARDIS:

“We’ll include the TARDIS this time in our link,” explained River. ”She’s known you longer than anyone else.”

The Doctor was thrilled at the prospect and could hardly contain his excitement. “Since you’re her child you can receive messages from her...I just get impressions but with you it’s quite a bit clearer.”

“Yes, I think when she helped to create me she enabled a synaptic telepathic connector to communicate with me more directly.”

“You know I’ve actually met and talked to her in corporeal form,” stated the Doctor as he grabbed his lapels and puffed out his chest slightly.

River was curiously surprised, “When and where was this?”

He proceeded to tell her all about the bubble universe. How the House, the sentience in the asteroid, had the TARDIS matrix removed and placed in a human body so that he could then consume the Artron energy of the soulless ship, but instead he decided to inhabit it when he found out it was the last one in the universe.

“The human form of her helped me to rescue Amy and Rory. Her original human’s name was Idris…I told her that I referred to her as ‘Sexy’.  Amy was certainly amused by that.”

River chuckled but then realized, “The TARDIS matrix can’t survive for very long in a human body.”

“No, but we managed to get back on board just as her human body died and she kicked the House out and reclaimed her home,” he explained. “I’m anxious to be able to talk with her again. This is so great, thanks dear.” He practically squealed with delight.

“You’re very welcome Sweetie”, said River as she keyed in a few more commands into the console. “But before we begin I need for you to be calm and your mind quiet.”

“Yes, right”, said the Doctor as he endeavored to tone down his excitement.

 “It’ll take me just a moment to set up the psychic field… There, that should do it. Okay, give me a moment to connect then you can join us.”

River closed her eyes laying her hands on the telepathic circuits on the console. The Doctor watched intently for a signal, laying his hands on the console in preparation. River then reached for the Doctor’s hand and nodded her head. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the link. There she was, his Sexy - his Old Girl.

“Hello,” he said happily, “so very glad to talk to you again.”

“My Thief and my Child … together, both talking to me, at the same time!” She wrapped her arms around both of them at once and madly kissed each in turn. “I helped make my Child for you,” she said addressing the Doctor.

“Yes, I’ve since learned. I’m – we – are very grateful,” said the Doctor with the appreciation of both his hearts.  River nodded in agreement.

“You’ve been sad but my child has helped – is helping you. Why is your face wet?” she inquires of the Doctor.

“Tears of joy,” he sniffed. “I’ve never felt so loved in all my lives.”

“I can’t give you everything you want,” said Idris/Tardis/Sexy. “But what you need.  The guilt you carry is too heavy for one Time Lord to bear. Therefore, on behalf of all Time Lords that ever were/are I pronounce that you are… forgiven.”

“You can do that?” The Doctor replied incredulously.

“I just did. Do you accept this gift?”

“I-I don’t know what to say?”

“I think yes, would be the appropriate response,” suggested River.

“Yes, of course, of course,” he had never felt so light and so full at the same time. [The bigger question, of course, is – can the Doctor forgive himself?]

After that the three continued to converse about many subjects and reminisced about their many adventures together for quite some time.

Idris/TARDIS/Sexy noticed their neural pathways becoming exhausted from the heightened stimulation. “I’ve kept you too long now; your minds need a break, rest, for both of you.”

“Yes, other-Mother,” replied River with a smile.

“Oh right, Old Girl,” replied the Doctor with an even bigger smirk.

“Good-bye I look forward to our next meeting.” At that both River and the Doctor opened their eyes and pulled each other into a warm embrace.

“It was so fantastic to be able to talk directly to her again,” he told River.

“Now to bed, My Doctor.”

“Coming, My River.”

However, they were both much too weary for any kind of shenanigans.

This time River stirred first and waited for him to shows signs of waking up. Oftentimes she will fuss about how young his face appears, but right know she is rather enjoying just taking it all in and letting her imagination run a little wild.

His eyes open and he notices her looking at him rather keenly. “What’s going on in that naughty mind of yours?” Oh, he knows her all too well.

“Come here you,” she says as she grabs him by his shoulders and pulls him towards her for an intense kiss.

“Ah, I am definitely awake now”, he says.

“Yes, you are, in more ways than one,” she just wanted to see him blush. “I’d like to go and visit my parents today if that’s okay with you.”

“Sounds fine by me, but first, I have a problem.”

“What?” she says knowingly.

“Just this….Geronimo!” he says quickly pouncing on her as she giggles and laughs at his exuberance.


	4. Visit with the Ponds

Chapter Four: Visit with the Ponds

“When was the last time you saw your parents?” he inquired of River.

“Spoilers,” she replied. It was actually on top of the Area 52 pyramid, during the alternate timeline, when he chose to marry her. This had not yet happened from his perspective but was not to far off.

They arrived in Leadworth and strolled out of the TARDIS hand in hand up to the blue door of Amy and Rory’s residence and rang the bell.

“River! Doctor!” screamed Amy. “Come in, come in.” She warmly embraced them both.

“How long?” asked the Doctor.

“About two months,” replied Amy, “Here sit.”

“Where’s Dad?” asked River.

“Working at the hospital, he should be home soon.” Amy took notice of how comfortable River and the Doctor were sitting very close together on the sofa and that he had her hand in his. “Hold on, something’s different.” Amy went directly to the point. “You two are sleeping together aren’t you?” The Doctor blushed. River nodded and smiled. “Ooh, that’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you both.”

“Please don’t tell Rory yet,” pleaded the Doctor, a bit fearful of the Roman’s sword.

“I promise I won’t, but I betcha he figures it out.” Amy laughed. “So what have you two been up to apart from the obvious?”

“Well,” said River.  “After he dropped you and Dad off here, he became quite mopey, all lonely and brooding in his big blue box. The TARDIS was concerned and contacted me.”

The Doctor then added, “River utilized a telepathic link with me, first just us and then later we both linked to the TARDIS together. Your daughter is quite the psychotherapist.” He stated rather proudly.

“Ooh, I’m sure she is,” Amy said with a teasing suggestive tone in her voice.

“Oi, stop it,” he beseeched her as she laughed at his apparent discomfort.

At that moment Rory entered, “Saw the box, hello Doctor.” Then he saw River, hugged her first and then the Doctor. “Thanks for bringing River to see us.”

They all sat down. Rory looked at the Doctor and River then stated to Amy, “They’re sleeping together aren’t they?”

“Yep.”

The Doctor blushed and quickly ducked behind River, “How on earth did you figure that out? It’s not like we put up balloons or anything,” he said exasperatedly.

“Actually it’s kinda written all over your face and in your body language,” explained Rory. ”Don’t worry, I’m okay with it but,” he added rather sternly, “If you hurt her you most definitely will feel her father’s wrath. Am I clear?”

“Perfectly,” the Doctor practically squeaked. Then everybody, except the Doctor, broke out in laughter as River leaned over kissing him on the cheek.

“Cheer up Raggedy Man. Are you hungry? I can fix fish fingers and custard,” said Amy.

“Yummy,” said the Doctor glad for a change of topic.

“I’ll help you,” said River.

“And we’ll set the table,” said Rory looking at the Doctor.

In the kitchen Amy grabbed a bag of fish fingers from the freezer while River found the custard powder. Amy moved closer to her daughter and quietly asked, “So, what’s he like?”

“Mother! I can’t believe you asked me that.”

“Come on when you were Mels we talked about stuff like this all the time.” Then Amy realized some of the stuff they use to talk about. “Oh my god, you know stuff about your mother that no daughter should ever know.”

River just smiled and nodded her head. Now Amy is the one with the red face.

After regaining a certain amount of her lost dignity Amy asked her, “Do you think he is fully and properly better now?”

“Well for now… but damage can happen again.”


	5. The Great Frost Fair

“You do know that I can’t stay and will have to leave sooner or later?” said River.

“I know, I know,” replied the Doctor reluctantly. “But I want to take you somewhere special before you go…Hmm, I know let’s celebrate your birthday. We can go to The Last Great Frost Fair, London 1814.” River seemed quite excited by that prospect as the Doctor added, “Ooh, I do like getting all dressed up in period fashion; you in a fancy corseted dress, me in a frock coat with tall hat.” Any occasion that required wearing a hat was an exhilarating opportunity to the Doctor.

It was a grand outing, River and the Doctor enjoyed themselves immensely during those four days having as much fun as possible; from carnival festivities, shows, games, to ice skating on the frozen River Thames. Somehow, and River is still not sure how he did it, Stevie Wonder sang for her underneath the newly built London Bridge.

_For once in my life I have someone who needs me_   
_Someone I've needed so long_   
_For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me_   
_And somehow I know I'll be strong_   
  
_For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of_   
_Long before I knew_   
_Someone warm like you_   
_Would make my dreams come true_   
  
_For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me_   
_Not like it's hurt me before_   
_For once, I have something I know won't desert me_   
_I'm not alone anymore_   
  
_For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it_   
_As long as I know I have love, I can make it_   
_For once in my life, I have someone who needs me_

After returning Stevie Wonder to his proper time the Doctor was mulling something over in his mind. He then addressed River. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything for you Sweetie.”

After making sure he has her full attention he continued,” I need for you to show up at Demon’s Run after it goes wrong. My younger self will need to hear some hard-to-take truths.”

“Also, it would be the ideal time to reveal my identity, don’t you think?” asked River. “Especially to my poor parents who must have been just so devastated when they realized I’d been kidnapped.”

“Yes, most certainly,” he continued in a reflective manner, “I remember at Demons’ Run I was too much like a soldier – and feared by others as much as I feared myself...I need you to help my younger self recognize that if I carried on in that way I would no longer be the Doctor but a Mighty Warrior instead. Can you do this for me?”

“Absolutely Sweetie, but how will I know when it’s the right time?”

“Because I’ll send for you – it’ll be soon, you’ll recognize it when it happens.”

After dropping her back off at Stormcage, he pulled up the information he retrieved from the Teselecta in Berlin - The date, time and location of his death – a fixed point in time.  Something even a Time Lord cannot avoid. Will they still force her to kill me? He pondered.

Time is not the boss of me, at least not yet, he decided.  He needed to go on more mad cap adventures. Live every day to its fullest. Look up old friends and take River on a lots of dates. Maybe if he is deliberately ridiculous enough he can even attract Amy and Rory’s attention, wave at them from history so-to-speak.

No more Mr. Grumpy Face now. Funny, this reminded him of Amy’s words at the crash of the Byzantium - “Is she gonna be your wife some day?” Hmm, is River Song the women or marries me or murders me? Perhaps time will work it all out.


End file.
